For years now I've been trying to figure out who the hell I am as (mostly) a misfit. Don't belong anywhere, don't fit anywhere, very average academic history at best, always loved learning but hated school. Looking back, all the BS of life never seemed worth it, quite frankly.
In my memories most school subjects were meh. Art was the only class I felt the famous "flow" state. I often got close to failing French but my composition was excellent without even trying and that saved my butt more than once.
And then there was math.
My math grades were OK up to 7th grade. Not extraordinary but certainly respectable. Then in 8th grade I was introduced to algebra and hit a wall, the reinforced concrete type. For three straight years I was constantly under 60 but somehow semi-aced the final exam and saved my year. I never understood how to rewrite algebraic expressions to solve them. Ever. Not fully at least. I can do something simple like 3x + 5 = 17, but throw fractions and parentheses in the mix and 100% chance the result is wrong.
Once I graduated I stopped thinking about this and just considered I suck at maths or haven't tried hard enough. Now fast forward to last week. Twice during the week I flipped two digits in an invoice number I was entering into SAP (an inventory management system I'm using at work), despite being ultra careful. I always double-check, or even triple-check my data before hitting enter. This primed my over-analyzing brain into figuring out what the hell that's about. Additional memories also came back of screwing up mental calculations in bizarre ways, like doing 2 + 3 = 6.
I had already read the term dyscalculia before but decided to look it up. Bingo.
I have no real issues with basic arithmetic so it's probably a mild form. Or I unconsciously developed workarounds that work for basic operations but got shattered against that wall of algebra I mentioned. I'm pretty sure I have photographic memory so that might be it. If I see say 6 + 9 on paper the image of 6 + 9 = 15 appears in my brain. Almost as if simple calculations were more image retrievals rather than actual calculations. Of course in algebra that strategy ain't gonna fly!
It's a bittersweet feeling. It always feels good to discover oneself. On the other hand it confirms what my intuition has been telling me for years, my brain just can't process math. I can take the blow to the ego but the academic and professional implications are much more serious. I was never cut for jobs involving lots of human interactions, and I simply don't have the physical robustness for manual labour (talking about general robustness, not just muscle strength). So STEM jobs felt like my only option for a decently-paying job. Not anymore! I guess I really ended up where I ought to be...
What comes naturally is using languages, mostly (I think?), and art to an extent. None of it is realistically marketable. Pretty much a financial death sentence...
If you made it all the way to the end of this wall of text, thank you.
