If it was purely physical I wouldn't mind it much, but it goes so much further than that...

To put it simply, my life isn't going anywhere. I've only got physical health on the positive side, but for how long?

Mental health is in the dumps because my life has always been filled with conflicting emotions I can no longer avoid. The problem isn't so much their intensity, I actually appear quite stoic to people around me. But the choice between say solitude and (mild-ish) social anxiety is consuming me. I've probably been too emotional to have meaningful friendships my entire life, which also made me avoid college. But I must stop lying to myself and pretend I'm a-OK alone. The weight of solitude is real, has always been.

Now the whole situation is snowballing into despair and I feel powerless. Psychotherapy didn't help much and SSRIs scare me because of the potentially permanent side effects, plus they wouldn't solve the problem. I spent most of my life running away from anything (and anyone) unpleasant because I couldn't bear it. That won't work forever. And it's already made so much damage. I'm quickly reaching what is statistically the halfway point of life with a completely empty existence and nowhere to go. I understand that ultimately life isn't a race and most steps in life have a much wider window of opportunity than we like to think. I just can't help but wonder: at some point can things even be saved at all?

My philosophical journey brought me to Buddhism, which feels like a godsend now, otherwise I don't know what to do. I'm lost, and exhausted...

Sorry you’re carrying so much of this alone. You don't sound like someone who is “going nowhere”, just sounds like you have been fighting something for a long time.

The whole social anxiety thing is very understandable, it makes sense that it would wear you down over time. I have definitely felt horrible about my social life before, I went a period of about three years without talking to anybody but my family (mostly my brother), and it definitely feels very difficult to get out of that once you are sort of "out of practice". Having to relearn how to follow other people's social cues and how to play the "public-friendly" version of yourself. And even then it is still incredibly difficult.

The decision on whether to medicate or not is definitely a big one, I only learned about the potential SSRI side effects many years after starting them. Of course there is no solid right or wrong to this, obviously if they make you feel nervous then they aren't really doing their job to make you feel better. Good that you found something grounding in religion/spirituality. Obviously I am a random teenager from the Information Superhighway, but it does take a certain amount of determination to share this with people. I wish you all of my luck, stay strong